1. She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.

2. fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

3. I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not

4. I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.

5. Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.