1. you can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond!!!!

2. i just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway...
great party though!!

3. this is a mass text: the cage has been opened.
repeat, the cage has been opened.
a search party will be organized.
you are all sloppy bitches.
that is all.

4. all i know is when i checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to french???

5. registered for next semester classes drunk.
let's hope i didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

6. update: i may or may not be in a cult
update #2: i may or may not be the leader of said cult

7. i'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final

8. i woke up and found 10 texts from him
all sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man?

9. also i feel like death
but like
in a good way?

10. you're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm!!!

11. love waking up to a new contact named “pizza” btw

12. we made a bet that we had to talk like yoda all night at the bars

13. he drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either...

14. things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter
it's beautiful

15. it's like you're a magic genie of bad timing