funyarinpa & friends.

1.He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?

2. Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.

3. you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site

4. I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman

5. I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.

6. I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes

7. I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.

8. I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

9. Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML.

10. I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘

11. If you break up with me one more time it's over.

12. I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.

13. I got married tonight…

14. He wrote on the bartender's notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"

15. I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.

16. I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more

17. I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine

18. Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...

19. I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.

20. maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"

21. You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

22. Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy

23. He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

24. I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.

25. okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

26. i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

27. Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

28. Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

29. Had dinner with my ex. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor. Where are you?!