funyarinpa & friends.

1. Learn some fucking English or leave me alone. "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

2. I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number, but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.

3. He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"

4. Don't know what's happening right now, but I'm wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.

5. If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye

6. And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?

7. I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.

8. What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time

9. He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.

10. He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting himself with an arrow.

11. THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

12. I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face and the fact that children love me.

13. if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

14. He is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do

15. I feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.

16. I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.

17. after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"

18. I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

19. I didn't throw him in the dryer. He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.

20. I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow

21. I'm developing all these feelings
It's disgusting

22. The last time I saw him was an hour ago
He was floating face down in a pool...
I'm sure he's fine

23. He should have died. Natural selection.

24. did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

25. moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

26. Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitter. Ever.

27. I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hopes and dreams of becoming an astronaut"

28. if you like me you must not know who I am

29. the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

30. his contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"

31. I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.

32. It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.

33. Just broke into your room with a knife. Wasn't even sharp. Your lack of competent security concerns me.

34. is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?

35. And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

36. I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine

37. Had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.

38. Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

39. Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't.

40. You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of potassium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

41. It's like a parade of train wrecks.

42. God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

43. I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.

44. I'm in his phone as "sushi coochie".

45. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.

46. Don't know what happened last night but I just woke up with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?

47. YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE

48. He kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.

49. There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?

50. I was going to sleep with him. Until he got naked and started swinging around his dick singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard"

51. I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again

52. Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song

53. Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on last night

54. Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?

55. Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?