funyarinpa & friends.

1. I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.

2. And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.

3. How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.

4. I know it's 2 in the morning and everything. But I just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think I might be cracking under this pressure.

5. You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.

6. what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.

7. Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.

8. There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future

9. Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.

10. I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.

11. The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.

12. location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.

13. I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.

14. The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

15. I'm doing depressed science again

16. Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.

17. Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5

18. He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.

19. They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.

20. i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.

21. I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in the castle but here we are

22. Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

23. Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.

24. it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body

25. I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.

26. I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.

27. Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

28. I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

29. What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.

30. Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

31. I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.

32. I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.

33. It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you

34. Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it to lessons with me in my pocket?

35. FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.

36. Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....

37. Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.

38. It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.

39. He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

40. I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

41. I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.

42. I need to be power hosed with holy water.

43. Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

44. At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life

45. I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face

46. Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

47. DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!

48. You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

49. I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy.

50. no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR

51. It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

52. You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

53. I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.

54. He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.

55. What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?

56. Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.

57. Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE

58. I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.

59. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way" just sealed his fate.

60. Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off the week.

61. KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START

62. Who knew my inner goddess was such a whore?

63. We left live cuccos on the basement slip 'n slide.

64. I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades.

65. Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke

66. Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning?

67. How you run into a glass door three times in a row, I do not know.

68. I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND

69. Look, I need your help, not your judgment.

70. Shame - the story of my life.

71. Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.

72. Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.

73. I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.

74. I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.

75. Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning.

76. He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue on the weekends" freak.

77. I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...

78. Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.

79. I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever