funyarinpa & friends.

1. we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.

2. sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat

3. How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?

4. Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought.

5. Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage?

6. we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex

7. I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.

8. You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar

9. You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.

10. Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.

11. Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me?

12. i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song

13. when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now.

14. i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out

15. Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.

16. I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie

17. We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.

18. im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.

19. The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.

20. Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked.

21. Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.

22. So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

23. Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

24. how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

25. I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

26. my boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

27. I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

28. i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

29. I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

30. We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

31. he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.

32. Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again

33. I learned the hard way that a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am

34. just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined!

35. I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far

36. Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well, any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.

37. Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

38. Stuffed animals make me feel really maternal?

39. I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette!

40. Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath!

41. But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.

42. Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can! I can and I did. End of argument.

43. I think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place...

44. Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

45. Did you know that Chef Boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. The history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think!

46. I blew him while watching the Aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point?

47. He sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach".

48. His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.

49. It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.

50. It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!

51. Any chance you used one of the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing

52. I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident?

53. There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers, and it shows.

54. I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.

55. you are never too drunk for berry picking!!!

56. i do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm

57. no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

58. aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

59. Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?

60. On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?

61. I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.

62. I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.

63. He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what the cat does.

64. You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.

65. I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'! I could be on meth...

66. You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting!

67. I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samurai sword....

68. Just made a secret hand shake with a cat. Boredom at its finest.

69. He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp...

70. So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.

71. We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.