tfln open post.

[dewdrops]

by fandom:

13 sentinels: aegis rim: takatoshi hijiyama

ace attorney: ema skye, iris, mia fey

ai the somnium files: mizuki date, mizuki okiura

code geass: euphemia li britannia

collar x malice: ichika hoshino

dangan ronpa: chiaki nanami (sdr2), chiaki nanami (dr3), fuyuhiko kuzuryuu, gundam tanaka, hajime hinata, ibuki mioda, kaito momota, kyouko kirigiri, maki harukawa, peko pekoyama, yasuhiro hagakure

dc comics: barbara gordon

final fantasy: aerith gainsborough (remake), rinoa heartilly, tifa lockhart (ac), tifa lockhart (remake)

fire emblem: 3 houses/hopes: dorothea arnault, edelgard von hresvelg, hilda valentine goneril, lysithea von ordelia

fruits basket: machi kuragi, mayuko shiraki, rin sohma

higurashi: mion sonozaki

legend of zelda: zelda (botw), zelda (totk)

magic kaito: aoko nakamori

mythology: izanami

persona: kotone shiomi, mitsuru kirijo, sumire yoshizawa

red vs blue: tex

root double: jun moribe, kazami tachibana

rune factory: frey

the world ends with you: raimu "rhyme" bito, shoka sakurane

zero escape: akane kurashiki, junpei tenmyouji, phi

Comments

chiaki nanami | super dangan ronpa 2

[cheatcoded]

options:

1. i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself

2. Last time I sleep in the lobby. Woke up to someone asking me what floor I lived on. Somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

3. I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? How often does it eat?

4. I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse

5. And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.

6. i'm more than my video games and dildo collection!!!!

7. video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.

8. He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.

9. gonna sleep on the stairs... too drunk to keep going up, way too drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... it's safer that way

10. we're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who has to clean up the classroom. and they said video games wouldn't help me later in life

11. i was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed?

12. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful. And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.

13. I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me

14. I think my nap took me to another dimension.

15. No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.

16. He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.

17. I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think

18. I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving

19. Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...

20. All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder

21. listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

22. So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my teacher into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?

23. I wish i was in the wii world.

24. next question... Do i wanna sleep under the palm tree

25. I just forgot I was standing up.

26. by the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

27. i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

28. I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.

29. Come in. Grab a controller. We've got some Madden to beat.

30. thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort you built around me is also appreciated.

31. is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today was from years of playing pokemon?

32. We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.

33. Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.

34. does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?

35. Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

36. you're just upset because i have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.

37. after a long night, i have to awake and face my stuffed animals. their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointment. i can't deal with that level of judgement.

38. had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz i really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. i ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.

39. i don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. it was good too.

40. i don't know if i have the sustained energy level for partying hard...

41. this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real...

42. why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?

43. If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

44. It's official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.

45. woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer".

46. I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

47. they found me this morning spread out sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out

48. i have the secret sauce

49. your headphones are on the door knob and i left you a burger on the doorstep!

50. i still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring...

51. i'm taking a nap outside
wake me up in an hour?

52. when in doubt, always reply with bacon!

or text her instead!

ibuki mioda | super dangan ronpa 2

[deathmetals]

options:

1. It was all fun and games until Ibuki said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and then proceeded to punch her in the face

2. It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'

3. Ibuki is in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all Ibuki's effort to not screech like a goat.

4. Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.

5. Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?

6. IBUKIS NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE IBUKI MORE THAN TACOS

or text her instead!

peko pekoyama | super dangan ronpa 2

[gekiken]

options:

1. Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.

2. I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.

3. He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow

4. Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling

5. He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw.

6. In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.

7. He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.

8. Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.

9. I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.

10. do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?

11. You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats.

12. He sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise.

13. I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...

14. My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?

15. He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something

16. He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.

17. Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.

18. He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.

19. You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.

20. He said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. I did.

21. He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.

22. Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out

23. I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?

24. THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it...

25. I have a pigeon in my jacket.

26. I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out.

27. i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon

28. I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

29. i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo

30. Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting.

31. It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

32. That dog was the best thing i ever touched

33. I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

34. They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.

35. I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword.

36. Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

37. We're going to catch a squirrel this summer

38. he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.

39. i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall.

40. I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparently they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?

41. so there is a lot of blood in the shower....

42. I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

43. How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?

44. You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.

45. I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

46. Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

47. I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

48. you insisted on breathalyzing me with a inhaler.

49. then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.

50. Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.

51. I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy", but you cannot hang them in the common area.

52. What does "mood AF" mean?

53. Please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.

54. So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the "douchebag" before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.

55. I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.

56. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.

57. I tried to take home a cat last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put him inside it.

or text her instead!

machi kuragi | fruits basket

[imperfecting]

options:

1. Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..

2. You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.

3. None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.

4. I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone

5. I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning

6. You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises

7. do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when i woke up, or do i even want to know?

8. i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem...

9. you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

10. He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out

11. I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm...

12. i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me and judge me

13. where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

14. that is the opposite of a normal text message.

15. I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".

16. no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories

17. He walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in his mouth.

18. I told you. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward.

19. I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

20. Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

21. any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

22. Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.

23. You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwich fairy

24. I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating

25. You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..,

26. this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

27. I have a mailbox and I don't know why.

28. I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree. He still asked if I want a home security system.

29. He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto

30. i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.

31. I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets

32. please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me

33. They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.

34. Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.

35. this is something i pride myself on being below average for

36. He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

37. I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks

38. Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.

39. You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.

40. I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock

41. he is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net

42. after giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple.

43. at this point i would not mind getting hit by a truck. it would mean i could get this over with quicker.

44. i need to figure out what I want to do with my life.

45. you know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? don't listen to it

46. he is currently tell his hat to go free. like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. when he's not looking i'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

47. before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'

48. my friend's roommate asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...

49. come over
i need a lifeguard for my shower

50. at one point i went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair
i'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself
i don't know how you got there

51. he got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere
this is why we don't let him get drunk
and yet here we are

52. hungover and i feel like a burrito
like i am one

53. all i want is someone i can force to pick up my pizza for me so i don't have to talk to anyone

or text her instead!

phi | zero escape

[notsuperman]

options:

1. hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.

2. I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong

3. Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing

4. You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.

5. I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino

6. I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.

7. I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.

8. THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO

9. I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos

10. Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.

11. Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.

12. You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.

13. I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.

14. I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.

15. I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.

16. Juice tastes so weird without alcohol.

17. Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.

18. Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.

19. I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking.

20. What a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.

21. Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.

22. They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.

23. answer my text you professional douchebag. and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible

24. you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"

25. I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.

26. please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on

27. I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.

28. I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.

29. I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.

30. I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?

31. Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?

32. It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold

33. I get a little bitchy. We all know that

34. I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul

35. I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags.

36. I donno. I mean, I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face.

37. I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.

38. It is shots o' clock and I am never late.

39. It's hot as dicks out. Let's get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.

40. I accidentally requested the Ides of March off instead of St. Patrick's Day. Is this an omen? Will alcohol be my Brutus?

41. Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything?

42. I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS.

43. To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am.

44. i don't know where i am, but the food in the fridge is awesome.

45. would it kill you to punctuate? that last text took me 5 min to read.

46. i'm so bummed i missed coconut bowling. it's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found.

47. last night was good.
things got bad when i found a sledge hammer.

48. god i hope the gutter i die in is nice.
you know, for a gutter.

49. Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.

50. I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.

51. I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.

52. I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence.

53. Apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "Bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. But I have short hair.

54. Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab.

55. I'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and I have lost all faith in humanity

56. that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up

57. Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girl's margarita bucket. Ever.

58. I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend

59. Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.

60. I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.

61. Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.

62. I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step

63. I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.

64. Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.

65. Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

66. Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.

67. who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?

68. how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

69. I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

70. By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possible: YOU ARE A WHORE

71. It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.

72. Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare

73. Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.

74. If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money

75. Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.

76. As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo

77. thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.

78. It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.

79. Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.

80. It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

81. I can only speak casual parseltoungue.
I'm not bad though.
Just the general, "where's the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets", that type of stuff.

or text her instead!

mion sonozaki | higurashi no naku koro ni

[penalizing]

options:

1. we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game

2. We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.

3. anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?

4. My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?

5. I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style

6. Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out

7. i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him

8. As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you

9. I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night

10. Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had.

11. The power of my boobs compel you

12. cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober

13. So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.

14. HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.

15. This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular

16. I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.

17. I have wine with a bendy straw, bitches. I can do fucking anything

18. Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.

19. So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?

20. fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever

21. the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.

22. So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.

23. im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??

24. Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.

25. QUICK FAX ME THE BALL

26. My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?

27. Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful!

28. He corrected my spelling during sexting.

29. like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?

30. It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.

31. im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??

32. Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.

33. Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap

34. You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.

35. i don't do stupid things anymore
i do stupid people!!

36. i’m not lawful evil!
i do evil things because i want to, not because of the law

37. he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him
that's all it took

38. it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower!!!

39. fuck positive energy, i choose drinking instead!!

40. OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB
OH. MY. GOD.

41. i mean i'm completely serious AND also drunk

42. mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you

43. apparently he couldn't remember my name so he referred to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about....

44. drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself!!!

45. hungover
no words
just memes

46. i'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality!!!

47. well, my grandma saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going????

48. apparently i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory"...

49. be the chaos you wish to see in the world!!!

50. MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

51. we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.

52. why do i have the 4 of hearts in my bra???

53. there is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event

54. i have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... and i have boobs

55. he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever

56. look, if it comes down to it, i’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts

57. get ready for me, i'm full of tequila and i want to be full of you next

58. nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners

59. you spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt...

60. i'm getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call

61. that's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.

62. i tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml

63. Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people

64. in the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.

65. Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and having sword fights. I think I'm in love

66. you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

67. Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

68. I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.

69. note to self: condoms are not microwavable!!

70. second wind!!!
...either that or my heart is about to explode
i'm hoping the first one...

71. i can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra!!
i need to go out tonight

72. WTF???
why is there a pic of my tits in your dad's office???????

73. i sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us...

or text her instead!

fuyuhiko kuzuryuu | super dangan ronpa 2

[pinstripings]

options:

1. On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.

2. Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

3. Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs

4. all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me

5. I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it" or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"

6. I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there

7. Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household

8. I went the fuck home like an adult

9. Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...

10. I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink

11. Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?

12. Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!

13. Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.

14. fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick

15. To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference

16. not ubering you a puppy

17. LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES

18. i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it

19. In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP

20. Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept

21. Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".

22. honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways

23. nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.

24. Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.

25. I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

26. I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle

27. i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso

28. the only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter

29. i didn't want to fight. i just wanted to tell you to fuck off

30. how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard

or text him instead!

junpei tenmyouji | zero escape

[punintentional]

options:

1. I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.

2. SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??

3. My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life

4. Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.

5. But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy

6. Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.

7. Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...

8. Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!

9. Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.

10. I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.

11. Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.

12. the people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. i feel like a super hero.

13. i mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex but i dont think i need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body

14. had to clear my browser history. i figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.

15. excuse me i just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, i think i can do anything.

16. I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment..

17. I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.

18. He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.

19. the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life

20. I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club

21. YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU

22. Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough

23. You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands

24. 5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation

25. We need a shit load of segways right now

26. I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.

27. theres a free llama on craigslist. are you in or are you in?

28. look i had a gallon of lemonade and a darth vader voice changer. what did you EXPECT me to do?

29. I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.

30. you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone

31. Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.

32. If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.

33. That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.

34. please come over here so i can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress

35. you can get gift cards to the liquor store
this changes everything

36. who the fuck just called me and played funkytown

37. of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them

38. your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style
also what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?

39. if I'm gonna go to jail i'm gonna be wearing a poncho

40. i always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level

41. seriously
i'm like, wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent i'm turned on?

42. remind me to tell you about the dream where i'm a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist

43. like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? the audacity of some people

44. i feel like i got hit by a car. but a small car, like a beetle or a mini or something

45. my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests...

46. renamed my ipod as 'the titanic' so when i plug it in it says the titanic is syncing

47. my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham"
what the fuck

48. who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable

49. i love you and miss you
which in no way diminishes how much i hate the person you turned out to be
but i still love and miss you

50. i'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way i think i can send her dick pics

51. last night when i was hammered i set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world so this is me giving you that message.

52. so cheetos dont microwave great.

53. do you know of a way i can die but like NOT die? like not being unconscious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal you know?

54. no but i woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. like 6 different pockets.

55. i know we're having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that i'm sexting someone?

56. she is no longer the international woman of mystery

57. i should start wearing my batman shirt more often when i drink. good things happen. all sorts of shit

58. tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

59. i've had 594 apples! that's 99 apples 6 times! math!

60. Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other

61. i full on slapped a girl with pizza. like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

62. yeah i had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead i lit the bar on fire

63. and next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. that's just not fair.

64. i'm so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

65. looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol

66. had to clear my browser history. i figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy

67. I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.

68. Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?

69. All I remember is receiving a lap dance in slow motion.

70. I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick

71. How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?

72. just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college

73. friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.

74. Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.

75. Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

76. My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.

77. Drunk texting is the poetry of my life

78. Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?

79. just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.

80. i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"

81. Let the record show that I hate your ass.

82. This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants

83. to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

84. Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

85. I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick

86. I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.

87. New plan for Halloween: you dress as Carmen San Diego, I'll dress as Waldo. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

88. Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.

89. When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

90. You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.

91. I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?

92. I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....

93. I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join

94. yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand

95. Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice

96. I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.

or text him instead!

kyouko kirigiri | dangan ronpa

[useyournoodle]

options:

1. Good news, I've narrowed the possible identity of your mystery hookup to three people. We can arrange a stealth lineup at the next party.

2. All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, though. And I'm like a trash compactor.

3. I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.

4. I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

5. I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"

6. This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.

7. I found a picture from last night of you sitting on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. Care to explain?

8. He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.

9. I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?

10. I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...

11. You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.

12. he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS

13. You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

14. We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.

15. You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee. Let me know how that works out for you.

16. You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?

17. I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.

18. He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love.

19. No, I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.

20. You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.

21. you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.

22. I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship

23. That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.

24. I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

25. The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name.

26. Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.

27. you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

28. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?

29. somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

30. I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere

31. your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar

32. okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

33. I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.

34. I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...

35. Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.

36. you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally fell asleep

37. i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.

38. I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.

39. He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.

40. So many issues. You honestly need help.

41. i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage

42. He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.

43. here were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad

44. If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money

45. If you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse

46. My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.

47. You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.

48. He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter.

49. Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

50. He told me I smell like vanilla and daddy issues...

51. He smothers me through text. I can't even imagine what he'd be like in person.

52. maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?

53. I need to start dating older men. We tried sexting and he used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...his messages were 54% emoji. No one my age should make me feel this old.

54. You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?

55. I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.

or text her instead!

kazami tachibana | root double

[sympathizer]

options:

1.He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?

2. Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.

3. you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site

4. I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman

5. I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.

6. I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes

7. I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.

8. I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

9. Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML.

10. I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘

11. If you break up with me one more time it's over.

12. I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.

13. I got married tonight…

14. He wrote on the bartender's notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"

15. I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.

16. I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more

17. I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine

18. Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...

19. I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.

20. maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"

21. You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

22. Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy

23. He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

24. I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.

25. okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

26. i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

27. Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

28. Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

29. Had dinner with my ex. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor. Where are you?!

or text her instead!

jun moribe | root double

[bestbuddy]

options:

1. She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.

2. fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

3. I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not

4. I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.

5. Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.

or text her instead!

akane kurashiki | zero escape

[anthropic]

options:

1. So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too

2. I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.

3. I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.

4. he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.

5. So we get back to the hotel room and he strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick.

6. Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine

7. Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.

or text her instead!

yasuhiro hagakure | dangan ronpa

[botanophobic]

options:

1. totall yforggot i asked the co p for a thoereticle fist bumpp n he stil llet me drive a way

2. i just addde a bunch of arbirtary optoins to my ouija board. ghosts ca nnow tell me cheddar, the homosssexual agedna, the hole foods vgean aisle, or viab le offspsring

3. i hav e the best iddea for an ew buisness. its goingg to bec alled "lamb-scape". we ar e giong to cut lawwns usin glambs. you jusst put 5 or 6 on a law n n tehy eat the grasss #allnatural

4. theress ano wl outsidd. i feel likee hes hoooing drectaly atme.

5. i sweer the co wwe tri ed to tippp triedto eatt me an dall i coulld thin k was ohhow the tabl es have turrrned wors ttrip evvver

6. oh my god there are animals here. there are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. a giraffee is trying to get in. is ridiculouss.

7. thatsss probbly whe ni climed a treeee n tolld evryon i was n ornamment

8. what would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft

9. i really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. i even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.

or text him instead!

maki harukawa | new dangan ronpa v3

[temaki]

options:

1. Learn some fucking English or leave me alone. "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

2. I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number, but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.

3. He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"

4. Don't know what's happening right now, but I'm wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.

5. If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye

6. And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?

7. I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.

8. What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time

9. He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.

10. He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting himself with an arrow.

11. THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

12. I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face and the fact that children love me.

13. if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

14. He is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do

15. I feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.

16. I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.

17. after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"

18. I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

19. I didn't throw him in the dryer. He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.

20. I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow

21. I'm developing all these feelings
It's disgusting

22. The last time I saw him was an hour ago
He was floating face down in a pool...
I'm sure he's fine

23. He should have died. Natural selection.

24. did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

25. moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

26. Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitter. Ever.

27. I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hopes and dreams of becoming an astronaut"

28. if you like me you must not know who I am

29. the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

30. his contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"

31. I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.

32. It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.

33. Just broke into your room with a knife. Wasn't even sharp. Your lack of competent security concerns me.

34. is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?

35. And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

36. I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine

37. Had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.

38. Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

39. Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't.

40. You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of potassium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

41. It's like a parade of train wrecks.

42. God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

43. I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.

44. I'm in his phone as "sushi coochie".

45. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.

46. Don't know what happened last night but I just woke up with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?

47. YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE

48. He kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.

49. There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?

50. I was going to sleep with him. Until he got naked and started swinging around his dick singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard"

51. I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again

52. Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song

53. Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on last night

54. Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?

55. Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?

or text her instead!

rinoa heartilly | ffviii

[merlebleu]

options:

1. I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows

2. You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

3. don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.

4. Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE

5. Imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

6. We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops

7. He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.

8. You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter

9. You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing!

10. Long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.

11. According to my bank account I spent a penny somewhere???

12. This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

13. Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my dog back. Thank God I got away from that one.

14 He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is literally nothing else I look for I a guy.

15. Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!

16. I'm sorry for telling you I'd rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didn't mean to be so rude!

17. Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship

18. My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner!

19. I'm 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.

20. I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.

21. I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion

22. Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.

23. QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES

24. I'm pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it!

25. And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.

26. That's the ideal party shoe. Cute, but I can still puke in them.

27. I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your completely honest opinion of my boobs.

28. Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?

29. My day in three words: secret purse cake!

30. 75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.

31. I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

32. I planned to shave today, but it's Friday the 13th. I might cut something.

33. That's all I want out of life: to get high and watch weiner dog races.

34. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.

35. I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?

36. I had to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.

37. Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

38. The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

39. So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?

40. You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

41. Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night.

42. I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb

43. We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious

44. I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. It's the best thing I've ever read

45. BRING THE BAGELS

46. it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet

47. Did I call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

48. I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to?

49. The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when I went drunk running later that night.

50. I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?

51. I'm watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns...

52. Can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet.

53. Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

54. Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

55. It glows. I had to have it.

56. He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?

57. I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula.

58. Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?

59. I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

60. I was happy to be the center of attention..until I realized why everyone was staring.

61. Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

62. Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

63. I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life?

64. A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the laundry room if it makes you feel any better...

65. Danced like there was no tomorrow. Surprise! There's a tomorrow

66. You will take your flower crown and you. will. like it!!

67. Why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.

68. I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.

69. That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.

70. I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only". Drunk me is always planning ahead.

71. Any who, I expect to be showered with roses upon my arrival.

72. On a scale of having tea with Gandhi to the apocalypse, how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?

73. I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector.

74. Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night. That was super inconsiderate of me...

75. Drinking and decided to streak in the fountain. Bird poop and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.

76. His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.

77. Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?

78. He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life

79. So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.

80. He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.

81. You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.

82. Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco?

83. Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..

84. I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.

85. I'm eating dinner with his dad and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.

or text her instead!

gundam tanaka | super dangan ronpa 2

[devildogged]

options:

1. Today in class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so I started answering in similar satanic ritual noises

2. Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.

3. have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important

or text him instead!

hajime hinata | super dangan ronpa 2

[tsukuru]

options:

1. I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.

2. It'd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting

3. 2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.

4. You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.

5. Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat

6. like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too

7. Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?

8. They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.

9. you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.

10. You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water.

11. Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising.

12. I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?

13. I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Owari. I just watched her use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of her ramen.

14. I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...

15. I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."

16. You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas....

17. I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?

18. So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"

19. Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.

20. Komaeda is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.

21. It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die

22. In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.

23. Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.

24. We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".

25. No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.

26. What conversation warrants the word "penis" in comic sans?

27. you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.

28. You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

29. I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.

30. Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.

or text him instead!

ema skye | ace attorney

[luminolescent]

options:

1. No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

2. if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt

3. I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.

4. The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.

5. I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarm went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...

6. its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

7. Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.

8. Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?

or text her instead!

zelda | breath of the wild

[archaeologics]

options:

1. I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.

2. And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.

3. How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.

4. I know it's 2 in the morning and everything. But I just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think I might be cracking under this pressure.

5. You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.

6. what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.

7. Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.

8. There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future

9. Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.

10. I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.

11. The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.

12. location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.

13. I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.

14. The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.

15. I'm doing depressed science again

16. Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.

17. Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5

18. He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.

19. They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.

20. i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.

21. I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in the castle but here we are

22. Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

23. Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.

24. it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body

25. I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.

26. I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.

27. Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

28. I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

29. What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.

30. Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

31. I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.

32. I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.

33. It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you

34. Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it to lessons with me in my pocket?

35. FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.

36. Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....

37. Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.

38. It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.

39. He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

40. I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

41. I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.

42. I need to be power hosed with holy water.

43. Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

44. At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life

45. I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face

46. Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

47. DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!

48. You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

49. I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy.

50. no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR

51. It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

52. You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

53. I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.

54. He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.

55. What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?

56. Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.

57. Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE

58. I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.

59. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way" just sealed his fate.

60. Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off the week.

61. KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START

62. Who knew my inner goddess was such a whore?

63. We left live cuccos on the basement slip 'n slide.

64. I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades.

65. Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke

66. Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning?

67. How you run into a glass door three times in a row, I do not know.

68. I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND

69. Look, I need your help, not your judgment.

70. Shame - the story of my life.

71. Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.

72. Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.

73. I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.

74. I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.

75. Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning.

76. He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue on the weekends" freak.

77. I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...

78. Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.

79. I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever

or text her instead!

euphemia li britannia | code geass

[euphemeral]

options:

1. we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.

2. sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat

3. How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?

4. Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought.

5. Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage?

6. we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex

7. I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.

8. You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar

9. You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.

10. Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.

11. Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me?

12. i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song

13. when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now.

14. i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out

15. Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.

16. I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie

17. We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.

18. im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.

19. The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.

20. Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked.

21. Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.

22. So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

23. Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

24. how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

25. I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

26. my boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

27. I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?

28. i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

29. I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

30. We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

31. he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.

32. Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again

33. I learned the hard way that a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am

34. just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined!

35. I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far

36. Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well, any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.

37. Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

38. Stuffed animals make me feel really maternal?

39. I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette!

40. Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath!

41. But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.

42. Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can! I can and I did. End of argument.

43. I think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place...

44. Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

45. Did you know that Chef Boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. The history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think!

46. I blew him while watching the Aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point?

47. He sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach".

48. His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.

49. It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.

50. It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!

51. Any chance you used one of the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing

52. I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident?

53. There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers, and it shows.

54. I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.

55. you are never too drunk for berry picking!!!

56. i do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm

57. no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

58. aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

59. Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?

60. On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?

61. I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.

62. I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.

63. He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what the cat does.

64. You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.

65. I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'! I could be on meth...

66. You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting!

67. I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samurai sword....

68. Just made a secret hand shake with a cat. Boredom at its finest.

69. He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp...

70. So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.

71. We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.

or text her instead!

tifa lockhart | ffvii

[bartendings]

options:

1. i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?

2. Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me.

3. Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.

4. I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.

5. He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definitely having sex with him again.

6. Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid

7. I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.

8. Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.

or text her instead!

kaito momota | new dangan ronpa v3

[astraria]

options:

1. Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.

2. Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3

3. Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.

4. it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!

5. Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.

or text him instead!

shoka sakurane | neo the world ends with you

[gattita]

options:

1. he forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what i was thinking
i'm taking away his man card

2. i mean you guys are my friends and all, but if you fuck with me i will not hesitate to set you on fire

3. hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine

4. as a side note pls kill me

5. i am seriously only coming over if there are mcnuggets
i want 10 bitch
honey mustard

6. the girl here has a popped collar
can i slap her?

7. a part of me realizes this is a bad time to text
but i override it with my awesomeness

8. i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

9. we'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles
sprinkles are for winners

10. think of something healthy and responsible
now think of the exact opposite
let's do the latter

11. I totally have a huge crush on him though, which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe.

12. Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.

13. With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.

14. Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.

15. As you were leaving, you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.

16. He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.

17. I will come over, but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it.

18. I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.

19. That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner.

20. I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.

21. I better get weekly incoherent text messages, or I will assume something is wrong.

22. He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.

23. when your 30 and im 35 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other

24. i like how you formally end text interactions
just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert

or text her instead!

rin sohma | fruits basket

[bitless]

options:

1. I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
never mind. some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.

2. just so we're clear, I meant the head your face is on.

3. you refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car.

4. then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. a DISHWASHER?!

5. he took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid...

6. goddamnit I hate your level headedness

7. he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"

8. did you take me to hospital last night?

9.  he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....

10.  yeah, let's go with that. fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.

11. are you still at the devil's house?

12. he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

13. this went bad. everyone is crying, I don't know why and I am really uncomfortable.

14. why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?

15. I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. my life never makes sense.

16. Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep

17. shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

18. I'd like to thank alcohol for getting me through the family reunion once again.

19. If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

20. How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one of those.

21. I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.

22. just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

23. seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

24. I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.

25. We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional.

26. Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.

27. I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health

28. Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

29. When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.

30. well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

31. He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.

32. My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants. What. The. Fuck.

33. Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.

34. I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuck off.

35. I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous

36. also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going

37. Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

38. He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after.

39. STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.

40. Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

41. He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that

42. It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.

43. My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.

44. How are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

45. Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire

46. I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

47. New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?

48. I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

49. I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her

50. THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU

51. well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.

52. I'm going to make a therapist very happy and very wealthy

53. if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk

54. Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.

55. I think it is impossible to take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake.

56. If I die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know I kinda expected it and totally deserved it.

57. Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

58. Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook.

59. If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity.

60. He's measuring the pool to see how much jello powder he needs.

or text her instead!

chiaki nanami | dangan ronpa 3

[reps]

options:

1. we can just chill
or watch law and order marathon
or play just dance 4
or watch a movie
or go to the movies
or play hide and seek
or hug
so many options!!!

2. well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow...

3. if she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there...

4. you think they'd ask my permission before turning pajamarama into an orgy!!

5. what is the appropriate waiting time between having sex and playing super mario brothers???

6. there is a tent in the living room. it's a vip tent room. i want in!!

7. i'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. i got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant... and then looked at my bed and got back in

8. idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets???

9. these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise!! like playing tetris on a gameboy

10. sorry i called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy...

11. the bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over.

12. i mean, i beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

13. there's fences everywhere and i think i have a boyfriend?

14. i'm more than my video games and dildo collection!!!!

15. we're playing big buck hunter to determine who has to clean up the classroom. and they said video games wouldn't help me later in life

16. i was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed?

17. i lost my cyber virginity to a guy i barely knew in high school while a togepi plushie watched.

18. i just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce...

19. you sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"?

20. we played strip halo.

21. f you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? it's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. and who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

22. it's official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.

23. woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer".

24. is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today was from years of playing pokemon?

25. He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.

26. I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think

26. Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...

27. my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?

28. It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

29. I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.

30. there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

31. I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

32. If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

33. i have double-d's AND i know what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me i'm not a keeper

34. Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!

35. just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

36. You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.

37. On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.

or text her instead!